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To the knight who finally knows who he is..

I sat and watched as my life flew by. The wrong seemed right and what was right seemed impossible. I had hopes up until the end that I would be happy. It never occurred to me that the end of whatever world I had was so close to being at an end. However, there is a glimmer of hope. It may be a match struck in a dark cave compared to the bright sunshine but it is there. It is better than complete darkness and a loss of anything I have to grasp on to. My life is now over. I want to cry and hate the world for not being what I need. The world owes me nothing and gives me everything and happiness still isn't prevalent. I find a loss of tears. I can't find the will to even weep. I don't deserve that luxury in a world in which I took far more than I gave. I don't understand how to give of myself anymore, so all I do is sit and take. I lose the desire to care about my surroundings. I lose all organization of thought. I lost the ability to respect what is given because I lost the ability to care. I lost everything when I lost all hopes of knowing you.


A few months go by and it still seems as though it is four years behind me. Why am I going through this when you aren't feeling a thing? Do you know what I think about you? I know I'm not schitzophrenic. I know this isn't all in my head. How is it that you can go from hot to cold in such a short time? I don't work that way. The only thing I can do is wait until forever is over. My body wants to hate you not only for what I'm seeing on the outside, but to make the pain turn into hate. That's how people deal with it all. I just never thought I'd have to stoop like that. You are a knight to me: brave, caring, chivalrous, adventurous, honest, humble, etc. I only wish I could have told you before it was too late. I weep with the thought that it's over to you. I have the joy of trying to combat this completely on my own. No one else is going through this with me. So I sit and wait. It will get easier. I hope.....


Alas... emptiness still prevails..

What I would do for a second chance at everything.. What I wouldn't do the same is practically phenominal.. Nothing except a trace of change is taking place in this void that I call a heart... Is this punishment?.. Is this hell?... Is ths torture?.. If I didn't want to be a part of forever I wouldn't have kept it in my heart.. and you never knew.. you never knew...


It hardly seems fair that someone who relates to every detail in every situation in my life no longer wants to share that aspect.. People are wrong.. This is only getting worse.. Perhaps I should go into a psycho ward or something.. The sick thing about it is that if my being psycho helps your confidence I'm willing to give my sanity.. You deserve it.. You aren't human.. You are much more than that.... You have given me so much that I feel that my self respect is a fair trade-off.. You can have my dignity.. Anything so you can see how much all the times I said "I regret" was just the beginning of "I regret not taking a chance with you.." I got scared that revealing it to you would begin a whole new series of problems... I'll never let go.. I'll never let go.. I'll never let go of the promise we made each other.. I'll still keep it in my being.. even though half of it has broken away... I owe you that much..


I doubt that this gets easier. No, contrary to what people say this gets more difficult to comprehend by the minute. Why am I dealing with this? What does it all mean?... You were a gift to me - every day I looked at you and was grateful that you thought of me as your own. Now every day is punishment because the one thing I had that I wanted I let go and now there is nothing in the world that can be done. I long for your eyes, your smell, your touch, you and you alone are what I need... It doesn't seem fair. I look around and all I see is an empty shell of a world. People pretending to be something they're not in order to stay alive. When there is no point. No one knew what we had.. There are no words to describe what I feel for you still.. I don't think you felt it, and that's ok.. because you aren't ever going to be around again and I have to accept the fact that I meant nothing to you and I still do.. It's a very difficult thing to accept, but once I can learn how to stop resenting you and everyone around me I can learn to forget... Because forgiveness does come with the ability to forget.. I will forget about you when I can forgive the rest of the world for being so happy.. It will never be us.. It will never be you looking at me in a state of awe again.. You used to be smitten by me and now you don't know I'm alive.. You used to have me wrapped around your little finger.. You could get me to do anything because my love for you is so great.. You still could.. I'll never think that I'm the luckiest person in the world again just looking at you.. I'll never see a future with you.. I'll never smell you and hear your voice and your tender words again. Do I not deserve that?.. I guess my world exists as a heap of sorrow and regret and if I didn't know any better I would think you were enjoying every minute of it knowing where I was.. and I love you so dearly it hurts.. You don't know who I am.. You never knew me.. You never knew how I felt.. It's a tragedy indeed how lost we got from each other when what we had was everlasting.. It is a tragedy that what we had died.. Do I still make your heart beat? I don't think so.. I think it never wanted me.. What's the point?.. you'll never see this anyway.. I'm wasting my time and all the love I have pent up inside for someone who is so unwilling to receive it.. but you know what? I don't know why, but I still remember.............